Three weeks ago I was spinning out of control, I cried for 4 days straight, with small moments and an hour here and there where I managed to remain numb and self-contained. I remember getting into a small argument with my husband about my appointments and money.
Of course this was first thing in the morning before my bi-weekly deep tissue therapeutic (aka painful) massage. I was already feeling extremely fragile from many sources, but this broke me. I cried on the train all the way downtown, where I cried as I climbed the stairs (each step sending bolts of pain down my legs, but I didn’t care, I kept going) I cried as I sat on the bus to my destination. I managed to contain my tears as I walked to the coffee shop, where I go almost ritualistically before every massage.
As I get in line I hear from beside me, ” you my dear are far to beautiful of a lady to look soo sad” – well that was it, I couldn’t even smile, nod, nothing. I hung my head as the tears flooded my eyes, who was he to judge my emotions? Who was he to belittle my pain?
My weights of life pushing me down. Who was he to call me beautiful? He doesn’t even know me, I have a nasty side you know?…
I mouthed thank you and returned to line. Managing to keep the tears back as I sat at a table in the corner, I like to watch the world go by, write or read, enjoy life. But not today. I sat there and sobbed quietly, remembering to breathe somewhere along the way I gained enough control to fill out a form for my therapist, when I hear ” if you need someone to sit with, or talk to, you are welcome to join me”, I looked up to see it was the same man, elderly, missing bottom teeth, but gentle and his eyes full of compassion..once again I lose all control, tears instantly fill my eyes and begin chasing one another down my cheeks, each one faster than the last, soon all rushed together, nodding and silently thanking the man, I can not speak. All I can do is sob, crying, sitting alone in a busy coffee shop.
During one of my uncontrollable sobbing sessions, I felt a hand on my shoulder, I looked up to a handsome young construction worker, hard hat and all, he asked if I was ok, cause I looked awful upset, when I nodded (my voice still hidden in the pit of my stomach), then he gently asked me a question most people would not think of or dare to venture into, such uncharted territory..”are you in danger? Do you need help? ” he glanced around the shop and out of the windows into the parking lot. This handsome young man who only stopped to get coffee, stepped up to my table willing to aid me if I needed, the only thing I remember is his kind eyes, eyes that remind me of my loving cousins, true concern for my well-being, he calmly offered me a simple phrase, keep my head up, even through the tears, it will get better, I will be OK, and get to the other side of whatever this is was….or whatever it will be.
Here I was feeling alone in the world, broken and these two strangers tried to show me that no matter what or where life takes us or leaves us, we are never truly alone, seems like a logical thing, yet it doesn’t really feel like that lately..
Now here I am standing three weeks later, and just as I start to try to pick myself up and stand up for myself yet again, one 25 minute meeting has knocked the wind out of me, and any little bit of hope that may have returned to me or my tattered heart and soul, has blown away with the snow and wind, who needed it anyways right? How am I to gain my footing if you keep changing the ground? How can I get better if your constantly changing the rules and how to get help. Return to work, rehabilitate..live with pain..live in pain. return to work..return to work..rehabilitate..live in the pain..learn to live with the pain..return to work..
I live in the snow globe and they get to shake it up, shake me up..but I am supposed to believe that my..My BEST interests are the goal, sure they are. Yup, it’s normal to cry more than not, it’s normal to rehabilitate me, my disjointed body, they are gonna fix me up good – learn to live in the pain,return to work. Got it..that is my help..